I am at Coffee Garden on 9th and 9th. That place is my favorite place to go even they have crappy internet connection. There is something about that place that makes me feel at home in the city. I have to admit that I do still miss "John." I have already forgave him for everything he has done to me over last few months. We still talk almost everyday and it makes me miss him because what we had was very good but we let the frustration of being poor and unemployed get to us.

Now, I am here in Utah and still unemployed- I miss talking to somebody who do really understand what I am talking about and feeling like John. I feels like only few people really understand what I am going through and how I really feel about everything.

But I will have to accept the cold facts and move on somehow. After meeting few people since I moved back, I think I prefer single-hood than relationship. It looks like I will have to get myself a dog to fill the spot that was left empty. But that will have to wait til I can provide the dog a good home and security which I hope that will happen soon!

ARGH!

I got the credit card statement last week and didn't it until today. I almost passed out when I saw the minimum payment amount. It's almost thousand a month! Who can afford that amount?! Not me the poor unemployed college graduate! So, I called the bank and they made a offer to some department to reduce the amount to about 113.00 a month with 0% interest rate for 12 months... 113.00 or 992.00? Let's hope that I find a fricking job this month!!!

I think I need one cosmopolitan or 100...

My thought

Well... I had been back in Utah for almost month and still no job. ARGH! But I am much happier here than New York. Some of you know my situation back in New York so all I can say is that many people are thrilled that I am out of New York. So am I... It's interesting how I am back in my home state but my family are not here anymore. I live like 10 minutes away from the house that I spent 8 years of my life... A lot of good memories... Now, every time I drive by the house, it still feel like it's my home only that strangers from Arizona are living there...

The mountain here are red with red leaves... Love Autumn here in Utah! It's the most beautiful place you can be for Autumn. I went to Arizona recently and the sight of the mountains and desert was breathtaking. I have forgot what Arizona looks like and it's a beautiful sight.
I was mesmerized by the sight so my nose was glued to the plastic airplane window watching the view until the plane descended to the ugly airport that is known as Phoenix Sky Harbor.

Now, I am single and I have to take this time to sit down and look within myself to see what I need to work on. That can be challenging sometime because who like to find that there are things about the person that need to be worked on?

I am the type that like to give the person my full attention and take care of his needs. I need to learn that I need to focus and think about myself then others when the timing is right. Right now, I need to focus on myself and my family- some that I haven't seen in years like my sister in Texas. I finally met my niece, Kaley Rae for the first time and she is one year old! I kind of felt embarrassed about that but I was very glad to meet her. I finally saw my grandma from mother's side for first time in 2 or 3 years. It was wonderful to see her but at the same time was sad because she is getting old and fragile. The visit to grandpa and grandma Matheson actually depressed me because I couldn't recognize my own grandpa because of his skin condition. Also my grandma's mind is fading so she had to repeat herself. She used to have very sharp mind. The aging process really rob the one of its identifies sometime.

The question remain in my mind is will I end up living my life single? Who knows...

The friend that used to sign...

I am not sure what I am supposed to feel about the experience that I had today...

I was on-line on the particular site when I got a message from my friend that I used to be neighbor when I was living in Salt Lake City few years ago. He was a good looking young man. He signed beautifully and very smart. He have master in social work when he is only a year older than me. Anyway, he told me to come over to his place to catch on news. So, I drove up to Salt Lake City and showed up at his door. I immediately knew that there is something wrong with him when I saw him. His eyes was bouncing all over in its sockets. He kept breathing rapidly and shaking. I asked him if he's okay and he continued to insist that he is okay. I barely couldn't understand him even I am using the program that ensure that I understand everybody clearly. He was speaking incoherently. I know there is nothing wrong with my CI because I can hear and understand the program on TV clearly. He told me that he haven't had slept in 3 days. The alarm went off in my head because of possible drug uses.
We chatted for while but I kept cannot understand him very well. I told him to sign and he tried but he couldn't sign that well. He apologizes nonstop. I was shocked and sad because we used to sign nonstop because he took three years of sign language in college.
I decided to excuse myself to use bathroom and when I entered the bathroom, I could smell something burnt but very familiar. I tried to figure out what I was smelling. Then the idea of meth came up in my mind because when I was in drug class in college, we were to become familiar with sights, smells and feeling of all drugs.. (You couldn't believe that we was tested on it) I decided to snoop around and found some bent spoon, needles, lighter, and other things that are obviously used for the drug. I came out and sat by him and asked him directly if he is using meth or any drugs. He denied at the first but he later admitted that he is the user. I was very sad and upset that he decided to throw his life down the drain.
I told him that I need to go and to keep in touch. I left and sat in the car with music blaring. Mary J. Blige was playing and the tears was rolling down my face.

I didn't know if I should be upset with him or the drug... I don't know who he is anymore and his skills as social worker and skilled signer is down in the toilet for good or not. Who knows...

I decided to surprise my family by flying down to Arizona for weekend. I made my reservation using the credit that I have with Orbitz.com I only have to pay the penalty fee of 130.00 which is not bad at all. I made mistake by tell them to give me the cheapest ticket available. When I got the confirmation e-mail and I was quite unhappy with the times they reserved me and the airline. They scheduled me for the first flight out of Salt Lake City to Phoenix with 5 hours layover in Denver since I was to fly with Frontier Airlines. Nothing wrong with that airlines but the timing... When the day came, I was on the plane all sleepy without my coffee since I didn't have the time to stop at Starbuck to get my grande spice latte with soymilk also without whipping cream.

I brought two discs of Rome which is quite good movie. As the plane was taking off, I decided to turn my CI off to shut out the droning of the engines. I was able to finish one episode of Rome but was harassed by the attendant because of some scenes showing women and men baring their genitals. The volume for the laptop was off and closed captioning was on so nobody could hear the dialogues but they can see the tv shows if they crank their necks to see the screen of my laptop. I basically told attendant that I have right to watch whatever I think is approriate for me and if there was children on the flight which there aren't any then that's a different story. She continue states that it is offensive to some passengers. I kept shrugged and told her that it is not my problem.

I turned on my CI once we landed in Denver and I took a walk around the airport since I will be there for 5 hours. It was neat to see various airlines that come and go from Denver International Airport. Finally, it was time for me to board the second plane to Phoenix so I boarded and the passenger who sat in the saw row asked me if he can join me and watch Rome since it is one of his favorite tv shows. I told him to just plug the headphone in my mac laptop. We both discussed about the tv shows and various subjects. It was kinda of difficult for me to understand him with the engines. But using the noise suppression program, it helps a lot.

As we fly over Arizona, I enjoyed the view and it was very beautiful that I took the pictures. For some reason, Blogger is not cooperating with the pictures.

I finally landed in Phoenix and I went to the blue shuttle. I already reserved and paid for their service on-line so I have the hard copy of reservation. I showed the copy to the person at the desk. He dispatched a driver and when the driver saw the address, he said he cannot go that far. (My parents lives about hour away from the airport) Few drivers refused because of the gas cost and time. I finally told the agent that he either pay for the cab which will cost more than what I paid for the shuttle or force one driver to take me to my parents' house directly. He opted for the second one. The driver wasn't happy at all but tough shit...

I got to the house and the driver have nerve to ask for the tip which I told him that he can stick himself up where the sun doesn't shine. I walked up to the front door and rang the bell. Mom answered the door and she was so shocked that she screamed and hugged me. She was thrilled to see me since it has been 5-6 months. Mom called my older brother and he came over right away with my nieces. It was so wonderful to see my niece and meet the one that I haven't met since it has been about 3 years since I saw my brother. The baby is so cute and love when she coo and babble. The sounds was so glorious and adorable. I literally ate her up. My other niece that is 4 years old was so fascinated with sign language so she learned to how sign cookie, milk, thanks, grandpa, grandma, mom, dad, and I love you. She would stare at me the whole time and it's very cute! I had very nice visit with the family for the weekend.

This morning, I have to catch the first flight out to Denver. I got the middle seat which I wasn't happy. I prefer aisle hut it was full plane. The plane yet take off and the man next to me kept talking to me about 9/11. I was annoyed because I really don't care about the subject of 9/11 and the book about 9/11. Yes, that day was tragic but I already moved on with my life. I kept nodding finally, I turned my CI off to shut him out. I turned around and slept the whole way to Denver. I am in Denver right waiting for my flight which is in hour.

my experience at choir rehearsal

I decided to join Salt Lake Men Choir. So, I went to the rehearsal to meet with the director, Dennis. Dennis and I discussed about how to make things work out smoothly with me being on the choir. He told me that he wants me to sign for their Christmas concert which the choir is famous for here in Utah. I told him that I need know which songs so I can translate the lyrics from English to ASL with some help from my friend who is very amazing singer or should I say signer?

I was sitting and listening to the choir to get some idea of what I should expect. But the sounds was HORRIBLE! I texted Abbie and was like "what the hell?!" We discussed about music map. I know that I need to get the map that will work with the type of music that choir usually sings.

To me they sounds like they are squawking at the top of their lungs. I barely can understand the words with them squawking and screeching.

Paralympic in China featuring deaf dancers

I was checking Yahoo! News this morning which I usually do every morning with a cup of coffee from Starbuck. I found this clip about Paralympic in China. I have to say that I was very fascinated with Chinese Sign Language also their performance.

Enjoy!

The clarification of the previous post

I was reading through the comments that people left on my blog. I'll have to say that most people are turned off by the word that I decided to use "rut." I know that the way I used the word make my message come off as harsh. That's the way I use to appeal to people's emotions about MY personal perspective.

I basically need to have my processors on everyday because I heavily depends on my ability to hear to get through the day. I know that many deaf people do fine without any hearing devices which is fine with me because they have their own language and culture that are rich and beautiful. Cochlear implants are necessary for me but not for everybody depends on their hearing background or preference.

I don't socialize with the deaf people that much so most of my friends are hearing that don't know how to sign or cue. The deaf people I frequently socialize are either cuers or oral.

The bottom line is that I depends on cochlear implant very much. Without the sense of hearing, I would feel like there is something vital missing. That is just how I feel.


I will like to respond to few personal comments so disregard them if it don't apply to you or whatever.

Deafeagle- You told me to read Paddy Ladd's book then come back to respond to you... So, here I am.... Because I did read the book and I really have nothing to say because it is his opinion. I do understand the perspectives and concepts of the book also, I have developed some self-respect for my deafness but it doesn't mean I will just take my implant off and be part of those Deaf by not using my implants and spoken language. I do have respect for those people and their preferences.

Barb Digi- Thanks for your lengthy comment. I know it may take you some to think things out and type it down. Appreciate your comment.

Ridor- Your same old comments about me bore me because you have some problems with me that I don't know. Keep your personal opinions about people to yourself.

Thanks everybody.