Sigh...

I am housesitting for my friend for next two weeks. He lives in the condo that is attached to Gateway mall in the downtown of the city. So everything is near to me which make it much easier. I am in love with this place but for one bedroom and bathroom it cost about 1100 a month... Way out of my budget for long time.

Today was kind of my down day because I am kind of unhappy with my life generally. Basically you can say that the shit just hit the fan. Being unemployed sure does take toll on the ones soul sometime. One thing that really bother me with people here in Utah is that they insisted that the only way the person can find a true happiness is through the church and gospel. Nothing against that or any faiths but I have tried for years and that doesn't work for me. For last few years, I realized that the church is not for me. I do love family very much but they don't really understand. To them, everything is either black or white... Church or life full of unhappiness. That is not how the life is supposed to be...

There are things that only handful of people know that is going with me... My struggles and the lifelong demon that I will have to face everyday of my life. The pains I am experiencing and feeling. I am very private person but I can always share everything with my good friend in Arizona. She knows me like a book. But it's hard sometime that we only live a state apart because I rather to talk in the person. Also that she is married and have family of her own. Nothing wrong with that at all because that's human nature which I understand completely.

The sad thing is that I do want to be with somebody but at the sametime I am too afraid because of what is going on with me. I just feel like I have the obligation to the society to find myself a corner to shrivel up and die.